A life update that has come really hard for me, but blogging has always been a form of journaling and comfort to me so i’ve been drawn to write it out. In some ways I wonder if I have been stuck not wanting to share other things because I haven’t shared this update. So here we go. Back in November, November 18, 2023, we started our Saturday like any other Saturday. Easy going but full of things to do and house work inside and outside. My Dad called me to ask for an envelope because a little crafter (Olivia :)) used all of his envelopes, while we were still on the phone I told Liv she can’t use all of Grandma and Papa’s things to craft and he said it was ok he just needed an envelope today and if I could come up and bring my laptop so he could get some new glasses. I said sure and that I’d be up later that day!
The girls were being so cute this morning. Looking back at this day there was a quiet peace to this morning. The last several days I had been working on a batch of sugar cookies for my cute niece Emma’s birthday party that she was having that day. I was so excited to hear how her friend party went and what her and her friends thought of the cookie dresses inspired by some of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour dresses.
My sister sent me this picture of my little niece and I couldn’t believe how much life has changed. She is so grown up! She told me how much the girls loved the cookies!
We went from birthday updates to a wedding for some of Liv’s stuffies. Liv was being so cute. Decorating everything and making sure all the bride and groom’s fellow stuffy friends were there and that she was in her prettiest dress for the wedding. Notice my empty shelves. We were in the middle of taking down all our Thanksgiving decorations and decorating for Christmas. I also was cleaning my craft room so my house was unusually very messy (for me, I thrive in a clean home) this day. Dallin also decided on a whim to wash ALL our curtains making our house a fun fish bowl. Dallin was working outside while I was working inside when my Dad called me again to see if I wanted to have a chicken pot pie up at his house. I was short with him and in the middle of one of the many things on my to do list and Violet needed a nap so I said thanks but no, I’m ok. He said he’d call Dallin and see if he wanted one. I will NEVER forgot thinking once I hung up on my watch because I was trying to “get things done” that I didn’t say I love you to my Dad and that I should call him back. I shrugged it off because I thought I’ll see him in a couple hours and I can tell him then. The thought kept coming to me but I just kept telling myself it wasn’t a big deal, my Dad wasn’t big into I love you’s so he probably would’ve thought I was crazy if I called and just told him that but I wish so badly I would have!!!
An hour and half later my little sister called and said my dad fell and needed help. Dallin went up to help him. 10 minutes later I got a call that my dad wasn’t breathing and to get up to my parents house. I’m going to skip the next part of the story. Just like that life changes in an instant. The paramedics said they think it was cardiac arrest or a heart attack. It’s wild to me that you can go from talking on the phone with someone and 2 hours later you are receiving condolences about them. Like I still can’t wrap my mind around it some days. I’ve had loved ones pass away before, my grandma was one of my very best friends. She was 92 when she passed away and lived a long healthy life. I was SO sad when she passed away but I knew it was inevitable. My dad was 69. He was getting better. He was home from rehab after a bad fall and major back surgery! He was making improvements. Life can be so sad and hard and it’s all just really hard to wrap your mind around you know? Losing someone close to you and someone younger is just so different.
That next week was a blur of funeral arrangements and making plans. The amount of things that are required to do when someone passes away is astonishing. I was up at my parent’s house every day for several hours. One day I found myself in “the kids bathroom” as we use to call it growing up, that I use to always get ready in when I was a teen/young adult. I remember putting this vinyl on when i was in young women’s. Boy did I need this scripture then and now!!
Hours were spent sorting through pictures, sharing memories, laughing, crying. Lots of emotions! It was so much. I remember wishing for my worries the week before. Life was so simple. I spoke at my Dad’s funeral and I mentioned how we had a long running joke that we were frenemies. Best friends but also enemies! I think it started when I was in high school, I would get up so early to get ready and he’d say how crazy it was! Haha I think I was around that age in the pictures above, I also loved to photo bomb at that time obviously haha We would always joke with each other and I could often find him glaring at me with a smile on his face or I was glaring at him also smiling! He’d usually take me to school and later to the Trax station when I needed a ride to work when he was on his way to work, he’d always call me a stinker when I would immediately change the radio station from talk radio to music I liked, but he would always keep it on my music for me.
He loved to hate Disneyland! He claimed to hate going to Disney but would always be willing to take us on Disney vacation when we were younger. It is now my happy place thanks to him and my Mom. I have so many special memories there with my family because of them. He would also plan our day down to the minute of which ride we should go on to maximize our day. I use to complain about it, but now I do the same thing with my own little family and read the same exact book. literally can’t do Disney any other way.
When I found this picture it made me smile. That’s little RuthAnne but looks like my little Violet. My girls were driving me exceptionally crazy after my dad’s passing. My dad would always laugh when the grandkids would pester their parents. I think he was smiling in heaven every time my girls made me a little nuts that week. This picture reminded me I probably deserved it after what I put him through!
It is completely WILD to me that life continues on. You still have bills to pay. Work doesn’t give bereavement. You still have to manage dinners, schedules, school, and everything else. People expect you to carry on like normal when your whole entire life just completely changed. A few words that I can think of to describe this time is lost, identity crisis, heart broken, sad, hard, and all the other really hard and sad things!
Along with managing my own health trying to keep my migraines at bay because of course they revved up with the insane amount of crying, lack of sleep, not eating enough and everything else. I called my doctor to see what I could take to sleep. I wanted to try the over the counter stuff before he prescribed a heavier dose of something else. Meanwhile I was talking to our sweet friend that is also the most talented florist and talking designs for the casket spray.
Oh and then I’m the Room Mom for Liv’s Kindergarten class, my Dad passed away the Saturday before Thanksgiving and we were having a Thanksgiving activity the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I told them I would be a mess with my Dad passing away but I’d still be there. Everything was all planned luckily!
I think I looked like a deer in headlights that whole party but I showed up for my sweet Olivia! One of the centers was a hand print turkey and I decided to do it because it was the most mellow. I kept telling the kids to make it really special for their parents so they could keep it forever! I think a lot of them thought i was crazy. haha
I remember I was even texting people about funeral arrangements, or updating neighbors or close friends about my cute Mom during the party. Seriously this week was CRAZY!
Then back to my Mom’s for more prep. We loved seeing family so much, especially sweet baby Daniel and Douglas! They added so much happiness and peace to our family especially during this time!
I’ve always been drawn to my loved ones that have passed away, especially my mom’s parents and grandparents. I still remember my Grandpa Reich and how sweet he was to me, even though I was very young when he passed away.
My Grandpa Nelson, my Mom’s Dad, was close with my Dad. They loved talking together whenever we would visit their house. When I saw this picture I immediately started crying. Two of my angels.
And my sweet Grandma Nelson, the person I was named after and the lady that holds such a special place in my heart! It is so special to know that all these wonderful people are together. It also makes my heart ache, knowing they are close but we’re not able to see them.
One day while we were preparing for the funeral, Violet wanted to see Papa. I told her that he was in heaven now and she couldn’t see him. She didn’t want that so she started searching the house for him. She stopped in the room we were sorting pictures and started pointing to all the pictures of him. Then she pointed at the ceiling and went “Oh! Papa!!” We sure miss Papa!
It’s so crazy to me how I can go from snapshots of cookies one night to snapping a picture of the number to the mortuary to send to my siblings if they’d like to schedule an appointment for a viewing with lots of tissues in the back from one of the viewings earlier that day.
We worked with a really great guy at the funeral home and he said death is something we all have to go through, young or old, rich or poor, it’s an equalizer for all.
Remember how life still goes on even though you still go through the unimaginable? We all debated if we should have Emma’s family birthday party the day after my dad passed away and we all agreed that it would definitely cheer us up and Dad would want us to! It did! So with puffy eyes and sad hearts we all dressed up like Taylor Swift and celebrated cute Emma! She had a Taylor Swift themed birthday party. Zach braided my hair for me because I literally was struggling doing anything. I can’t remember if this night or the night before I had a terrible break down. Just a little too much you know? I literally thought my brain was going to explode.
Real life hit hard the Monday after he passed away. I still had to prep for the Kindergarten Thanksgiving activity, my house was partially still decorated for Thanksgiving and a little decorated for Christmas. I had some sweet friends that immediately sent or stopped by with gifts that made me smile! They seriously meant so much to me! Especially these first 2! You know who you are!
Seeing this pink box from a sweet friend seriously brought a smile to my face. I love cookies and my friend knows that! It mean’t so much to me that people cared so much to act even though they were unsure of what to do. It honestly warmed my heart! I know it’s so hard during times like these to know what to do but doing something is always so so so sweet and thoughtful!
Knowing I was giving a talk I wanted to make sure I looked nice at the funeral and I wanted a dress to remember my Dad so let’s just add that to the list of things to do. I ended up getting one (not this one) on a great sale at Ivy City during their Black Friday Sale and it was definitely a tender mercy.
My pictures this week seriously make me so sad. They literally take me right back to that time. It was such a hard time. Like sending a picture of the casket to the florist so we don’t clash florals with the color of the casket. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for my Dad!
My birthday was just a couple weeks before. Dallin and I still hadn’t gone on our birthday date that we usually go on to celebrate birthdays. I love to collect all the birthday freebies I can. When I realized I still hadn’t used my free chocolate cake freebie from Red Lobster from my birthday and the deal was expiring soon I was so excited Dallin grabbed it from take out for me.
Going through traumatic things you either don’t eat at all or you act like me at Disney pictured below. haha
More sweet pictures! Love looking back at such special times. I’ve learned to cherish the little things because one day you’ll look back and notice they were the big things!
Always have loved my little brother Cody, and my sweet uncle Randy!
The sweetest friend came knowing that the day of the viewing would be hard and brought dinner and my favorite cookies! I had another sweet friend that was going to have a baby soon that took time out of her busy schedule to make dinner for our family. A sweet sister in law that listened to all the little things like how I hadn’t been grocery shopping in a few weeks or that I needed waterproof mascara remover and literally got groceries for us and a sample of a makeup remover and left it in our house during the luncheon after my Dad’s funeral. So thoughtful!!! Seriously some people are so good!!!
A childhood friend left a sweet note and gift for me at my parent’s home one day and it meant SO much to me. Every time someone reached out and did something I was so amazed!
I found myself grasping for things that would spark even a tiny bit of happiness. I’ve been so sad, even still. I decorated for Christmas just to cheer us all up a little and try to switch up the barren scenery of our bookcases, a constant reminder of this sad time.
So many pictures of my Dad some that I remember like yesterday.
A bunch that I’ve never seen before.
While we were compiling pictures I found my favorite picture of my Dad and I, It was from my wedding and one of my favorite memories with him. He use to be a ballroom dancer when he was young. When we were having our Father/Daughter dance at my wedding he was telling me all about it and how much fun he had, and teaching me how to dance correctly. The photographer took this while we were dancing and we both look so happy! It was such a good time! I like to think that he is finally dancing again! Zach is an amazing photographer and cropped me out so we could use this picture in his obituary, on the funeral program and for a lot of the arrangements. I’m so glad we had it!
He worked on cars his whole life! I know nothing about cars because he always took care of everything car related for me. My mom captured one of the only times I looked under the hood of a car with my Dad.
Another memory that feels like yesterday. I loved dancing when I was younger and would have so many performances all over the county! My Dad would always take our family to my performances and be there for me! Always willing to help with anything. My Mom was always there too of course, doing my makeup and fixing my outfit but my Dad was too!
Thanksgiving came not even a week after my Dad had been in Heaven. It was really hard. My Dad did a lot of the cooking and prep for holidays! My Mom and Dad do so much to make holidays special, I knew this since becoming a parent myself but I’ve realized it even more this last holiday season.
Super woman herself. The grandkids are obsessed with her. She’s been through so much!
Our Thankful Tree looked a little sparse this November but it still was very special. Liv did a special leaf because she was grateful for Papa, and decorated it. I love that it stood out from all the other leaves.
Time goes too fast. It seems like just the other day we took this picture.
And I vaguely remember taking this one. My mom kept my sweater so Liv still wears it! It’s the sweetest thing. Time goes so so fast. Treasure it. Wish I could bottle it up. That’s why I love capturing pictures, videos blogging, IG, documenting all the things. Mostly so I can remember all the things, and if it can inspire others to do some fun things too that’s a bonus!
I’ve honestly been dreaming of recipes, parties, holidays and wracking my brain of things that make me happy. I’ve even started this thing called a Happiness Project! A self expedition to see what makes people happy. I’ve always wanted to do this, especially after my strokes several years ago. Traumatic experiences bring such a hard time, full of so many emotions. I want to try to fill them with good ones! Life is so sad, hard, crazy, happy, beautiful, wonderful and everything in between.
So all that to say I really hope I can get back to sharing sometime soon. Not sure when or what. Definitely feel different. My life is different, I’m different. Remember to say I love you and have lunch with your dad for me!